Wicked Girl Saving Myself

We had to go to the mainland to get this year's heating assistance. This required rounding up all our IDs, paperwork, etc.

• I haven't seen my Social Security card since last year's appointment.
• I almost couldn't get my seat belt on because I'm so big.
• I forgot my wallet.
• We got the time wrong, and showed up at 11:00 instead of 1:10 then had to wait. 
• Innoq didn't have the correct pay stubs.
• We have just fifteen days to get our shit together or we're out of luck this year.
• This involves driving over 200 miles to get a new Social Security card.
• Which we can't do for a week, because that's how long it will take us to arrange a ride.
• And the card has to be mailed, which might take longer than a week.
• Which will mean no heating assistance this year.
• Which will fuck our already precarious finances right in the ear.

And I'm definitely in a slump. I keep hitching my wagon to somebody else's star only to find out their "star" is a street lamp.

• I figured if I did MyFitnessPal with Innoq we could keep each other motivated and accountable. But he doesn't do it anymore because logging food is tedious. Now I feel abandoned, like I'm struggling alone and flailing. I don't like to go to MyFitnessPal now because I see he hasn't been logging in and it bums me even more than my own failure. But this is my goddamn body. It's one thing to need support, another to fail because someone else quits.
• I figured if I ordered my lennán to write for 20 minutes a day -- no less, and only more if he chooses -- I'd feel like a hypocrite for not writing and get back on the ball. But there have been quite a few times when I ordered him to, and he did, and I couldn't. And more times when he wasn't in the right mental/emotional state and I gave him leeway, and I didn't write either. As much as I love feeling that my wonderful, dangerous pet is also my writing partner, I shouldn't depend on him to that degree. I need to figure out what my deal is and fix it for myself. (Note: You're not off the hook, Drake. Drop and give me twenty.)

Working with Black this go-around is evidently kicking up a lot of shit. And I have to face the fact that not all of it is due to illness and poverty. Some of it is on me.