Five Days of R&R&WTF

I've been in the middle of a bad flare. Exhausted to the point of tears, aching, dizzy, occasionally nauseous. All the fun flu-like symptoms of CFS. 

Spiritually I'm at a point of... well, not throwing everything out the window over my left shoulder with a pinch of salt, but feeling like I need to loop around to the beginning, examine my foundational stuff, and maybe replace a few stones that are crumbling underneath me. I definitely need to simplify and streamline a lot of things to accommodate my disabilities.

Writing came pretty much to a skidding halt a couple weeks ago when I let myself get overwhelmed and brain-fried. The first draft of Spirit's Calling is finished (!) but instead of celebrating and taking a break as planned I succumbed to NaNoWriMo and tried to go straight into the second draft. Of course, I can no longer maintain the 1,667 word per day pace and I fell behind, which stressed me out, which made me ill, which caused me to fall further behind, which... etc. (Damn, I spend a lot of time chasing my tail...)  And the story isn't ready to go into the second draft. This is the stage where I need to research time period and setting, nail down the characters and timeline, start the "story bible" etc. Add to that, I'm freaking myself out because all the writing advice I'm reading is telling me that I Need A Platform Right Now or I Won't Sell Much. Then I calculate the number of spoons the recommended platform is going to take out of me and freak worse. Gyah, can't I just tell the goddamn story?

Innoq (my husband -- not his actual name) had a massive seizure at the library where he works. I had to be matter-of-fact and deal with that, and deny even to myself how stressed out I was. He was fine, but really tired and shaky afterward so I did all the cooking and what housework I could even though I should have been in the bed resting next to him.

Then there were appointments with dentists, social workers, councilors, doctors, and everybody and their cousin's hamster fuck my life. *thud*

But now I have five days where I'm not scheduled to do anything but basic housekeeping or go anywhere unless there's an emergency. *quickly knocks thrice on wood* These five days (Thursday - Monday) are mine. I will spend them nurturing myself in whatever way is right for me at any given moment. I may work on Spirit's Calling. I may work on Night Market. I may knock a couple books off the TBR Pile That Ate the Northeast Coast. If I'm feeling steady and the weathah isn't too bad I may take a mosey in the woods behind the housing units. I may practice on my Celtic harp, which I haven't done for a while. 

The thing I'm definitely doing is cleansing, grounding and centering, and recharging. With all that's been going on, a lot of energetic gunk has built up. That's making everything probably twice as bad as it has to be. 

Day 1 of Five Days of R&R&WTF (Belated)

I started the cleansing process with a bang. Before stagnant, clogged energy can be moved -- in a space or in a person -- it has to be broken loose. The neighbors don't really like the way I go about this -- loud music, ringing bells, clapping and stomping, jumping around, frenetic housework, opening all the windows and doors. Usually I'd use my coyote-skull rattle but every time I shake her stuff comes out her nose and makes a mess. (I can get her repaired for free, but I haven't been able to afford to properly pack and mail her all the way across the country.)

There are a lot of black taper candles in my supply drawer. I raid the shops right after every Halloween, when most storekeepers around here want to get rid of them because most people won't buy them during the rest of the year. I took one and used my candle knife (a pretty little knife I set aside specifically to use in candle magic) and divided it into three segments. One segment gets burned each of three days. I keep it on my desk so I can easily watch it and trim the wick when I need to. It's too tall for my altar. I burned a black spot in the shelf above my altar before I wised up and switched to tea lights.

I had a knot of stagnant energy in the middle of my back, blocking the proper energetic flow and making me even more tired. I could have asked Innoq to loosen it for me but he gets a bit carried away. Like a lot of Earth-oriented types I know, the big lug doesn't know his own strength. So I had my lennán do it from a distance. He's not as good with precision energy work, but it was easier to "catch and direct" his burst than it would have been to blunt Innoq's. 

Between the first segment of the candle and the righteous smack from my lennán lot of gunk got knocked loose inside of me. Some of that gunk was emotional. My feels a'sploded. I started crying and sulking in frustration, anxiety, and (*gasp*) insecurity. I paced and rocked myself, muttered and hissed. I didn't try to analyze any of it. I didn't try to stop it. I just let it flow through me. When I'd more-or-less exhausted myself (which obviously doesn't take much doing) I jumped in the shower and cleansed, letting the water itself flow over me and the energy of the water flow through me, sending both body dirt and psychic gunk down the drain. I also used a really good natural soap that has cleansing and invigorating properties.