thedisappearingcat: (together)
When I say I'm a switch I usually mean that I submit to men, dominate women, and negotiate depending on the situation with anyone non-binary. I never wanted to dominate a man. Not long ago the mere suggestion would have gotten a laugh out of me.

My lennán and I, though, had been experimenting with our dynamic. I was more willing to at least try to dominate him from time to time even though I preferred to submit or go at it as lusty equals. It was a delightful challenge to explore that. I thought we had the perfect Balance going on.

Until I realized we didn't. Something was off. That rattled me and I had to draw back a dite and have some thinky-thoughts. It didn't take me long to figure it out.

He's a switch, too. He has a deep need to submit occasionally. But in his household he's the Dom. Nobody could top him... but me.

Well, shit. When I see an imbalance I generally feel like I should set it right. And knowing that he had unfulfilled needs shattered me. I never-ever thought I'd find myself in this situation, never really wanted to be, but here we are negotiating a relationship in which I am his Domme. 

I'm still getting used to the idea. We're wading in slowly and communication between us is a constant flow. Often it comes in handy. I get to punish him if he doesn't rest. (He has RA in his knees, badly.) His lovers who are physically with him are so far willing to cooperate, and I'm glad to have them. 

Now, I admit that last night I wanted to throw it all over my left shoulder with a pinch of salt, drop to my knees in front of him, and rest my cheek on his foot. For him to take charge, fuck me into oblivion, and comfort me while I cried. Instead I stepped back. I'm too afraid to upset our precarious apple cart.

I got through it without sending our new dynamic into a tailspin. I'm okay. And as soon as we're both up for a rumble, fucking each other into oblivion is going to happen.
thedisappearingcat: (cat)
In 1998, during a ritual that was supposed to achieve Something Else Altogether, I ended up getting placed under a geis of veracity.  I had the choice to accept or reject this geis and was given time to think about it. I took three days, then accepted. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. Now, knowing what I know and having gone through all that I have, I'd still accept it.

What this means in practical terms is, like the false proverb of George Washington and the cherry tree, I cannot tell a lie. Well, I could, but I'd regret it badly and quickly. Depending on the situation and severity of the transgression I could suffer worse-than-usual illness, loss, bad luck, injury, and that sort of thing if my tongue slips in the wrong kind of way. On the other hand, being mindful of my geis has brought blessings into my life that make it more bearable than it would otherwise be.
I can, however, pick and choose my words. I can also just keep my tater trap shut on a matter. Backed into a bad corner, I can and will twist the truth like a Slinky without breaking my geis. I once prided myself in that sort of thing. Words are my stock-in-trade. Being able to be truthful without being completely honest was once a hallmark of my skill.

Once. Over time, having to think about each word that comes out of my mouth and fingertips caused some moral adjustments to be made. I was never actually a liar. My parents wouldn't stand for it. But I'm not without flaws, any more than any other sentient B/being is truly flawless (Christian mythos aside). I'm sure I slipped with "little white lies" to cover my ass on more-or-less the same average as most kids.

I'm a practical kind of critter. I prefer to Get Shit Done and Solve Problems. I don't have patience for philosophy that doesn't serve a concrete end. But thinking about truth and how best to tell it at any given moment segued into thoughts of ethics and honor, respect and responsibility. The way I treat others and handle various situations began to evolve accordingly. From out of having to tell the truth I began to strive to live my life with Honor in one hand and Compassion in the other.

However, this post would turn into a teal deer if I went on about that, so I'll confine it to my relationship with the truth. To sum up:

♥ I just might tell you stories but I won't ever tell you lies.
♥ I will tell the truth as I see it and to the best of my understanding.
♥ I will tell the truth in a way tailored to the hearer's specific preferences and needs.*

* Some people are sensitive and need "the gentle version" while some people would rather be told forthrightly no matter how hurtful the truth might be.

thedisappearingcat: (computer)
 I must have missed a memo. I have no idea what the Doge Dog Meme is. So when y'all start talking like that I'm amused but very bewildered.
thedisappearingcat: (cat)
 My blog is new, and most of y'all are just getting to know me. I can (and do) browse back through y'all's blogs to get up to speed on the wtf but y'all can't with me.

So, because I believe in Balance and fairness, I'm going to make two "random facts about me" posts per day. One will be public, the other will be locked. If there's something ya'll would particularly like me to touch upon you have but to ask.


thedisappearingcat: (Default)

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