Body Talk

Dec. 4th, 2013 07:44 am
thedisappearingcat: (malaise)
[personal profile] thedisappearingcat
Before I start, I want to underline the fact that I'm talking about myself and my own journey. I'm not criticizing anyone else, nor am I handing out advice. I don't particularly want advice, either. Support and encouragement? Hell, yes! I need that. Advice? Not so much, though if I do need it I promise I'll ask. :)

A couple of months ago, our wellness team put Innoq and I on MyFitnessPal, mostly to make us aware of what we're eating and how much so we can make better choices. Innoq has a fast/binge cycle problem. I'm just plain erratic and I have a sweet tooth that's getting me into trouble. We're both dangerously overweight which is exacerbating our other health issues.

Innoq was put on a straight-up 2,000 calorie per day allowance and encouraged to eat consistently. Somehow, he flaked logging his eating, occasionally still fast/binged, and lost 14 pounds in five weeks. (Bastard. *hiss*) 

I went on a 1,600 calorie per day allowance. I could eat anything I wanted to as long as it tallied up to that. I got ace at nailing the goal and logged my food daily. But somehow I only lost one pound. Just... one.

When I stepped off the scale I shrugged and smiled and laughed with the nurse. I said "Well, at least I didn't gain weight over Thanksgiving." Then the subject was dropped. The doctor didn't say anything about my weight, just my anxiety. (For which she prescribed medication.)

When I got home, though, I shut myself in the bedroom and broke down. I don't do the self-loathing thing. I wasn't crying and cussing into my Pillow Pet out of body hate. It was just frustration and disappointment. I was so proud of my supposed progress. I was looking forward to at least a ten-pound weight loss. I was geared up to celebrate and get myself a (non-food) treat. 

Then this, and I just flipped stuff.

When I was calm enough I went downstairs for a cuddle and talk with Innoq. He didn't berate me or judge me at all, but he did point out that there was a stretch of time where neither one of us ate well. A friend took us out to dinner and paid, so we ate. Then there was Thanksgiving at another friend's house and two pieces of pie (one pumpkin, one apple) happened. There was another two or three days when I went overboard on the sweets.

On Monday I walked for 45 minutes doing errands around town, which gave me an extra 348 calories I could eat. I ate 1,948 calories and had 30 calories left over. Totally. Nailed. It. I had every reason to be delighted with my day. Or so I thought. Then we got curious and went through my log with a calculator, tallying how much of those calories came from non-nutritious treats. 860 calories of that was soda, cookies, and candy. (Jeezum effing Crow, I eat like Usagi.)

Well, shit...

Okay. *deep breath* So, rebooting. I'm staying on the 1,600 calorie budget for now, except I'm allotting myself a 250 calorie "treat budget." This will permit me to have some sweets, but no more sugar binging and justifying it by going "Well, I stayed within 1,600 today so it's alright." Treats that are sweet but have significant nutritional value won't count in the treat budget. So if I make myself some hot chocolate and add a little Ovaltine to boost the nutrients (which I do) I get my guilt-free chocolate fix. 

Also, I'm going to try to switch from Pepsi to ginger ale, even within the treat budget. Because caffeine and anxiety don't mix.

My next weigh-in is January 2 when I go in to see the doctor to evaluate how I'm doing on my new anti-anxiety medication (which I start taking today) and see if my thyroid is leveled out.


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